where did that come from

something odd happened today. i was standing on a ladder, removing two years (at least, i'd imagine) worth of dust from the blades of a ceiling fan. and a feeling i've not known for some time washed over me. i was scared. scared of falling. scared to look up, scared to look down, terrified as i extended my left arm behind me to brace myself against the brick wall.

i used to be not too fond of heights when i was a little girl. my stepfather always liked to tease me that something was "higher than uncle ken's shoulders." this convinced me that i was afraid of heights. it goes back to a time that my uncle ken (the husband of my stepfather's sister ... a new relative to me at the time) picked my 6-year-old body up and put me on his shoulders at a family gathering. i started crying because i was scared. i guess it never occurred to my parents that it wasn't the height that frightened me, but the fact that a not-very-well-known-to-me man was lifting me up high and i didn't really trust him. also, when you're only 3.5 feet tall, 6.5 feet is a long way off the ground.

anyway, so i'm standing on this ladder today and i didn't know what to do. i was struck with fear and discomfort and i had no choice but to finish the job at hand and get the hell down from that ladder.

how and why do fears manifest out of nowhere? i'm not afraid of heights and i'm not afraid of ladders but now i am dreading the next time i will have to climb those metal rungs. is it because i was alone in the coffee shop? because i was distracted by some stupid thoughts? are fears like allergies, arising at anytime, provoked or no?

the "uncle ken" anecdote made me learn my fear of heights. i was told it was the fact that i was up high that i was scared, not that it was a natural feeling of distrust for my life to be in the hands of a strange man (uncle ken is a great guy, btw. but i didn't know that then). over time i realized that i'm not afraid of heights. i think this went hand-in-hand with being more confident in myself and feeling that i had control over myself.

am i losing self-control? am i losing confidence? quite the contrary, i'd say. so why did this terrible feeling sweep over me this afternoon?

come to think of it, maybe it was the remnants of a hangover: light-headed, slightly nauseous, just wanted to be anywhere-but-where-i-was. wanted to disintegrate, really. i guess i'll find out next time i make the big climb.

lookin' is free

this year's thanksgiving day will be infinitely more happy than last year's (i'm speaking only for myself here). last year i worked at the coffee shop and then went home and sat by myself. the plan was to watch as much mr. show with bob and david as possible but i couldn't figure out how to get the dvd player to work (i had recently moved into the apartment and was just beginning to feel at home there).

instead i cried, i blogged, and i didn't talk to any family members.

enough sob stories. this year brian and i are having friends over (mostly his friends, but i have two of my favorites coming). i will be documenting the day, but there will be a lot of wine, so chances are i will not have enough good footage to make a video.

here's what i'm feeling thankful for tonight, after 1.5 glasses of wine (thanks, brian!):

thanksgiving vlog from ally brisbin on Vimeo.

in the cold november rain

ok, this craziness about rupert murdoch removing articles from google is too much for me. he wants to make bing the only search engine in which the wall street journal, new york post and the london times show up.

supposedly it's about money and ad revenue, things i don't like thinking about. things that help the news industry keep chugging along, while eroding the quality of the content.

what it actually is, though, is detrimental to the democratic nature of the internet! google searches will turn up left-leaning results and bing searches will turn up right-leaning and left-leaning results. i know that newscorp publications aren't the only conservative-leaning publications out there and they certainly aren't the most right-leaning, but in terms of mainstream media, they are pretty huge. i like google. i like-like google. i am dependent on google. but now my results will be more biased. granted, they will be biased in the way that i am biased, but that will do nothing to open my mind to other perspectives.

"but ally, you can always use bing to perform your internet searches now"

shut up! i don't want to! i use google for everything! i'm not going to switch to bing! what the hell kind of name is "bing" anyway? google is smart because it is like googol, a huge number. bing is a character's last name on a 90s sitcom.

also, i don't like this politicization of search engines. argh. i fear what lies ahead.

it is important to have easy access to lots of different viewpoints. sure, we naturally gravitate toward those that match our own, but what is important is that there are options. c'mon rupes. what are you doing? you are breaking the internets!!

i believe i will never leave

this is the face of a business owner:


after snapping this sex pot shot, i scrubbed our exposed brick. then i scrubbed it with a vinegar-soaked brush. yes, afterwards i smelled as good as i looked. tomorrow i will seal the brick walls with some kind of chemical glop. mortar will not crumble into coffee.

i've been wearing (the same) stupid pants everyday since that post:


this is the face of a nearly-completed-with-her-first-semester-of-grad-school woman:


this shirt was given to me by a friend who said "i want to see that on your blog." will z, i hope you're still tuned in.

in other news, anyone in the chicago area without a place to dine on Thanksgiving or seeking respite, wine and frivolity after family gatherings, please come over. we are hosting a feast and i want you here. all of you. even people not in chicago.

synchronicity-wise, here's something: i had a dream last night about collaborating on a project with alicia, brother paul's woman. in the dream, i wasn't crazy about the font she used but i realized that it actually kind of worked. it just wasn't something i would have chosen. today, i got an e-mail from jenna, brother jeff's woman, with the logo she has been working on for the cafe. is that synchronicity? mixing up my sisters in law?

i think i'm starting to slack in the synchronicity department. it doesn't bother me much, does it bother y'all?

just in general

is there anyone in your life that seems to never be fully listening to what you're saying? okay, 'never' is an exaggeration. but often, they seem to only be half-listening. and then you find out in the future when you refer to something you've told them that they were listening. probably half-listening, but listening nonetheless. but you still wonder why you say anything to them at all?

and then you meet someone and you are talking to them and telling them things because you just met them and they are giving you full attention and you're like, 'huh? why is this person so attentive?'

and then you feel all conflicted about what an interpersonal interaction should be and so you go home and get on the internet where it is safe to wear no pants and speak your mind freely behind the guise of a username and resolve to never make a new IRL friend again.

then you wake up (hungover because you were boozing because the internet can get lonely on a friday night) and you're like 'omg who did i email last night? what did i write on the facebook? really!? i blogged seven times between my three active blogs? wanna die.' then you get over it and hang out with people that listen to you and people that half-listen to you and people that tell you to shut up because they don't want to hear you and you remember that real life is the original internet. retro.

rebuilding begins

i fear i'm going to lose my audience with all these posts about real things and not about my emotions. you guys still reading?

anyway, hang on tight and watch my latest vlog. it's the first in a series of me exploring why i love men so much:

ovarian oration from ally brisbin on Vimeo.

this is what was going on 365 days ago. there's your frivolity for the day.

mom!!! i think i'm ...

when i was rereading my previous post, i realized how this whole issue is a great advertisement for homosexual relations.

gay people having sex don't make babies. therefore they don't need birth control (that is not to say they don't need protection against icky infections) and they certainly have no need for abortion. luckies!!!

but many of these politicians who fear sex in the name of having some fun and expressing love physically and feeding an animalistic craving also fear gays. homophobia is something i'll never be able to understand. i can name it when i see it, no matter how veiled, but i will never be able to sympathize. sometimes i think it is repressed homosexual tendencies. sometimes i think it is pure jealousy: seeing people that are in love while being unhappy with one's own current romantic situation (or lackthereof).


every day i get closer and closer to deciding for sure that i will not ever get married. SOLIDARITY. i kind of consider myself gay even though i'm pretty hetero. maybe i'm "queer" (that's what my sister calls me)? i dunno -- i try not to get bogged down in labels (something the LGBTQ community loves).

i believe in love. and i believe it can last forever without the state recognizing it. the state has nothing to do with me and my soulmate (WHERE ARE YOU DUDE?!).

tlc edition

i don't take birth control. never have, never will. i have no interest in putting extra hormones into my body. while i also have no interest in putting any babies into my body, i use other methods to not get pregnant. i don't push this decision on anyone else, even though i wish that no woman would take birth control pills.

at the end of the day, we are each in control of our own bodies and no one should tell you what to do with yours. likewise, no one should tell you what you shouldn't do with yours.

remember i blogged about actions speaking louder than confusing words? well our trusty government is doing what they shouldn't with their actions.

this article is awesome. you should read it. it's about how birth control is not to be covered under the current version of the health reform bill. while i don't want any freaky extra estrogen up in my blood, i believe that women who prefer to gain weight and take nature out of their periods should have the right to do so. and they have the right to get help doing so. i'd prefer that to extra unwanted screaming rugrats taking up my (and your) oxygen.

oh, and you know how they're trying to pass a version of the health reform bill that doesn't support abortion? guess what, dummies? if you encourage birth control, less people will get abortions because they'll be all clogged up with pills (that's how it works, right?)!

why is everyone still afraid of sex? everyone has their horror stories, sure, but on the whole it's a good thing. people have sex. sex makes babies. sometimes babies aren't what is needed. it is okay to have sex for pleasure. in fact, i think babies are never needed. we should all be sterilized for like 30 years. so many babies out there that are abused and neglected and hungry and sick. why make more? let's make something good happen for those ones first.

didn't wear a skirt!

after jeff pointed out that maybe i shouldn't wear a skirt when we're doing dirty work, i gave jeans a whirl. i guess my legs were more protected, but i was less comfortable. i'll probably wear them again tomorrow, in order to better express on the outside the latent butch within.

"i can't stop" now a kitchen synch feature

because i'm terrible at maintaining more than one blog, i decided to incorporate i can't stop into kitchen synch as a feature (ala favorite shirts and vlogging is blogging).


loving my life.

i'm serious.

all of a sudden everything is perfect. on my run tonight, i was thinking about it and realized that there is no bad aspect to my day-to-day. i spend daytime working on an awesome project with an awesome friend receiving lots of loving support from family and friends. i spend nighttime working on school work (and blogging) that interests me and makes me excited about the times we're livin' in.

sometimes i can fit an exhilarating nighttime run in there somewhere.

i am just happy right now and i don't think that's going to change anytime soon. and it's weird to think back to where i was emotionally at this time last year. it's also great because i have found a really nice home here in chicago and i have found a really nice Self here in chicago.

tonight i made mySelf (via dasein) a really nice white russian here in chicago.

shut up

i think i'm a pretty good communicator. i was voted "most talkative" twice in the yearbook (told many times over it was a synonym for "most annoying," a title i hope i've outgrown).

yesterday, though, i had two instances of finding out that people did not understand my message at all. unpleasant synchronicity. i'm not sure if it's synchronicity, actually.

one instance wasn't really a big deal, more a blow to my joke-making-ego. sarcasm is hard to decipher when you hardly know someone and they are writing to you rather than speaking. the other instance was confusing, mostly because it was seemingly unprovoked by my words, but by my actions.

i have this whole thing about actions telling more than words (you've heard the aphorism, i'm sure). true, i am guilty of analyzing every word spoken/written/sang/telepathed to me until it has disintegrated and is no longer in the lexicon. but the actions surrounding the words are more telling than the words themselves. because even the transmission of the words from speaker to me is an action and sends a message of its own beyond the message of the words spoken. intentions are so important and often implicit.

all i'm saying is i have been illuminated to the fact that i am not nearly as expressive as i thought myself to be. either that or i'm trying to express myself to the wrong people. it's so tough to figure out what the universe is telling you.

i know that a huge part of my self-expression (via writing) is stifled by my tendency to get too used to my thoughts and to get kind of sick of thinking them. so when i go to write something i glaze over details because they seem redundant to me but they are actually really necessary for others to understand me. blah blah blah i'm already sick of this.

at least my brothers (familial and friendly) get me.

are you guys closed?

life update:

jeff and i are in full swing getting things ready for the coffee shop. we're closed for about a month while we put all the pieces in place. then it's on, bitches!

meanwhile, my school semester is wrapping up and i have a few projects to complete. that means i will have less time to devote to unravelling life's mysteries and complaining about feelings and broadcasting my cycle and posting self-indulgent multimedia.

i'm sorry. i'm not neglecting you. i'm always a phone call away.

i hope to blog soon about how i just want everyone to keep their laws off my body.

tonight in grad school

... i learned that i am a camwhore.

well, according to my prof's definition. which differs from wikipedia's. i like prof's def better.

either way, why do i post pics of myself all the time? i blame this webcam staring me in the face.


anyway ... 40Gs teaching me new things about myself every day!!! NO REGRETS.

heart is made of gravy

i feel as though this huge tumor of stress and anxiety and looming depression has been removed from my brain and i don't know why. don't get me wrong, i'm feelin' good and have lots of good feelin's, but i am also on the brink of something major and i should be petrified. instead i'm totally pumped and positive that jeff and i are champions and will rule berwyn avenue in no time.

thursday was a day of self-loathing and depression unknown since like 10 months ago or something. don't know why but it was. then friday something major took place (don't want to jinx an already jinxy situation, but things is movin' along on the business front!) and my attitude changed somehow.

i have four days left at my internship. i think this is a big part of my sudden joy: knowing there is an end in sight to my cubicle-bound days.

tonight i left class giddy. i love when that happens. it validates my decision to do grad school. i was placed with fun peoples for a group project about VLOGGING!!! if i never use my degree in a professional manner, i will not care.

then i went to jewel because momma was hungry and i found a new food obsession: asiago garlic salad dressing. add this to a pile of spinach, a packet of tuna, some fresh ground black tellicherry and a dash or two of valentino, and have a tongue 0rg@$mmmm. i ate half my salad before i even sat down in this chair (now i reveal to my fans that i dine at my desk, and that all i know how to cook is cold food that doesn't require cooking. pathetic? probably.):

anyway, enough about me. how are you?

UPDATE: full moon last night and today. no wonder the good feelings and powerful circumstances!!! also, i don't know why i referred to myself as momma in that paragraph up there, but i did it and i have to face reality. no scrubbing in this post!!