my mind feels like my room right now: clumps of clutter and chaos among barren voids that indicate the potential for order and peace.
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there are a few great blog posts floating around about how american apparel is "sizist" and propagating the ideal the fashion world set long ago: thin is in.
my friend (who is average-sized like me) and i recently lamented shopping at retail stores. it's not fun. you leave hating your body and hating yourself and hating society and hating every "hot" person wearing a nice outfit you encounter on your sullen train ride home. i'll tell you a secret: my distaste for shopping is why i haven't bought pants in about a year. too depressing to try them on. also, today's jean styles for women are ugly.
there, i said it. i don't like your jeans. hell, i don't even like the jeans i own and used to wear.
i wear american apparel everyday. if it weren't for the interlock pencil skirt, i don't know what i would wear on my lower half. i own 5 of them and 2 interlock mini skirts. guess what size i wear? large. i'm not a big girl. i'm not super small, but i don't think i'm "large". no wonder someone who is actually large can't fit their clothes!
i have mixed feelings about the fat-positive movement -- some positive, some negative. i want to believe in it and stand behind it. but something is holding me back from totally buying it. i don't think this is a good place for me to get into these feelings because i'm bound to gloss over something and offend. i also can't completely understand it because i'm not in it.
ok, i can't help myself: it seems like posturing. how how how how how can someone truly be body positive in such a fat-negative society? how can you deprogram yourself from everything you've seen and heard and been called and been told and not fit into? how? how can you find the positive side of being marginalized? of being charged for two plane seats? of telling the hostess at the restaurant that you need to sit at a table because you can't fit in a booth? how can you move past this and be positive? that takes incredible strength. i'm glad the movement exists. i just don't know that i buy it. it is hard for me to imagine being able to move past all of this. again, i am outside of the movement, so i don't expect to be able to completely understand it.
either way, society sucks sometimes. i suck sometimes. we all do. ::shrug::
sometimes i just want to grow into a huge all-mother goddess creature and hug everyone in the world (even evil people!!!) and rock them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. even though it isn't.